So You Wanna Be a Douche Bag?

Overstaying Your Welcome

2010-10-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

You think I don't know you, but I do. You've had this feeling before. The one where you're chilling at your dawg's kennel and he's ripe to pass the fuck. The rest of the crew has already peaced and you and your dawg are shooting the shit. Topics include Megan Fox, Jackass 3-D, and that time the two of you got in a fight at Ampersand that neither of you remembered the next morning (but you're totally cool with each other now). Now, though, you know he's itching to catch a Z or few, and you're faced with two options.

You can stay. This sends the message that you will not be told when to leave. You are the alpha of this pack, and you will watch Avatar on your dawg's HD big screen until you're ready to head out.
You can leave. This option pins you as mediocre and puts you among the other nice folks of the world like Ghandi and Sandra Bullock.

I think the options are self-explanatory.

Overstaying your welcome is an essential building block of domination. Examples:

Jews in the entertainment industry
Europeans' colonization and consequential improvement of the Americas
Chinese-Americans' total monopoly on decent food

And, as we've touched on, domination is the goal of douchebaggery. So these concepts are truly inseparable.

Turbochivalry

2010-09-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Read closely: mere chivalry does not constitute douchebaggery. Any Schmoe can swing open a door or pretend to care when he gets a text from his lady accusing him of not "paying attention" to her. But it takes a truly skilled douchebag to achieve what is called turbochivalry, or calling the attention of others in the vicinity to your act of manly politeness.

Example: go to a fast food restaurant in mixed company. You will drive your car and your company will passenge in said car. When arriving, park in the lot (drive-thru is for soccer moms and business execs, and you will only participate in drive-thru when it is the only option, or you'd like to do some drive-thru-specific douching). Now, exiting from the car, do not let any of the females exit of their own accord. You must open the door for them, of course, or they'll break a nail or sprain a wrist and become completely undesirable.

Now, while you walk to the door of the fast food restaurant, ask the women if they enjoyed you opening their doors. You'll get some feminist-rooted grumble from any lesbians present, and giggly approval from the sorority types.

Now, be the first to the door into the restaurant. You can't let your lesser bros steal your thunder, now. Hold the door for everyone, including the men. It emasculates them and establishes you as the alpha male. Again, the lesbians will grumble. When the sorority types praise you with something like "Oh, you're being a knight in shining armor today," brush it off with something like, "Just trying to be a good guy, you know."

Here's the tricky part. You will be the last in your party to enter the establishment, as you've already held the door for everybody who has walked in. But you need to be the first in line so that you can offer the opportunity for the ladies to go first. Distract the first female in line by bringing up a Nicholas Sparks-based movie as you all walk. "Tracy, did you ever see The Notebook?" It will stop her dead in her tracks. She will say, "Oh my like complete God, I love that movie." The girls behind her will have to pause to go around her. This is your chance to speed up and get in front of all of them.

Now, you're in the front of the line. Make sure everybody in the restaurant hears you saying the phrase "Ladies first!" and gesture something big, like your arm circling around and pointing at the beginning of the line. repeat the phrase as each female passes you. Gesture. "Ladies first!" Gesture. "Ladies first!" Gesture. "Ladies first!" You're getting laid tonight.

4 Quick Tips

2010-08-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

No time for a full lesson right now, tout le monde, so here are a few quick steps you can take to up your douche in a jiff.

1. When you're playing pool in a room not quite big enough to house a pool table comfortably, and your stick hits the wall every time you are about to strike the cue ball, get pissed the fuck off. Whoever put the pool table there was a damn fool, and you need to establish your now obvious superiority by making the other people in the room very afraid of you. Additionally, refer to the game as "billiards."

2. Teachers hate teachers' pets. Teachers love sarcastic douchebags who pretend to be teachers pets.

3. Remove your shirt. Stand in front of a mirror. Photograph yourself with your phone. Publish that to Facebook and make it your profile picture. For girls, skip the removing of shirt part. Or don't.

4. Any time someone tells you they can handle lots of alcohol, bet them you can drink more. Pester them until they agree to a challenge, then speak of nothing but that challenge until it takes place. When you win, talk about nothing else for three days, and continue to bring it up every few months. (If you lose, forget it happened.)

Introduction to Terms

2010-08-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

Some knowledge of terminology is necessary to gain the respect of the douchebag community. The following is a basic list to get you started. Other terms will be introduced and explained when appropriate.

D.I. or douchebaggery incident: you are in an eternal state of douchiness, but at certain periods of time, you'll find it appropriate to "crank up the douche." A D.I. can last as short as one comment or as long as a family vacation

O.I.Q. or Overall Intimidation Quotient: this is a statistical term measuring the collective amount of intimidation felt by those in your presence at one particular D.I. O.I.Q. must not be confused with I.Q.M. or intimidation quotient mean. O.I.Q. can be tricky to understand, but the concept is essential to your growth in the field of douchebaggery. Measurement of O.I.Q. is done by point system, with different point amounts corresponding to different kinds of douchey actions. A later chapter will be dedicated to the method by which you should measure your O.I.Q.

I.Q.M. or Intimidation Quotient Mean: an average of all O.I.Q.'s from all of a douche bag's collected D.I.'s. I.Q.M. serves as a success gauge; the higher your I.Q.M., the more skillful a douchebag you must be. (Hint: Bragging about how high your I.Q.M. can help to raise it!)

shaky moe: describes a moment during a D.I. at which your confidence comes into question. Shaky moes are near impossible to predict, but with with practice they can become incredibly easy to recover from, and the most talented of douchebags is able to pass them off as if they had never happened.

righteous brother or sister: a righteous brother or sister is an individual with false self-confidence who will attempt to thwart your efforts during any given D.I. They're hard to spot, but they tend to be between the ages of 16 and 30, and they prefer to wear vibrant colors. These qualities are not universal, just common. The righteous brother or sister will try to appeal to your ethos by informing you that you're being a douche bag. Well, yeah, you are. And their lives are less valuable than yours. (NOTE: "righteous brother" and "righteous sister" are not necessarily gender specific terms; you may be creative in your usage of the terms by referring to males as righteous sisters to emasculate them, or by referring to females righteous brothers so as to imply that women shouldn't speak anyway. "Brother" is more common and generally more effective as it calls to mind a lame band at whose mention the righteous individual will probably ejaculate.)

Scenario: Asking to Speak to the Manager

2010-08-12T04:10:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself in a store or restaurant or similar commercial establishment, and if a decent amount of employees and/or other customers is present (enough to patch together a bit of an audience, perhaps), congratulations! You've got yourself the perfect circumstances under which to begin your foray into douchebaggery. Adhere to the following guidelines and by the end of this lesson you'll be able to ask for any manager with furious poise.

First, locate some small error with one of the commercial establishment's products. (ex. your box of crayons had only 63 rather than the advertised 64, or the shrimp in your remoulade is too big to fit in your mouth with just one bite.)
- If no error can be found, you may need to form a complaint around some inconsequential characteristic of the commercial establishment. For example, become offended by the soft rock radio station that is playing vulgar lyrics like "let's make love tonight." Or, cite your religious beliefs as reason to be enraged at the $1.09 gay pride keychain being displayed at the checkout line.
Express whatever complaint you've found to a lower-level employee first. Rather than take the complaint straight to the top of the heirarchy, you'll want to take it one step at a time so as to startle the most people possible, thus upping your O.I.Q. (Overall intimidation quotient. More on this and other douchebaggery terms, including how to measure your douchebag stats, will be available in the next installment, Introduction to Terms)
- Ideally, this low-level employee will be the most timid one currently on the clock. Again, this will help your O.I.Q. Also, it's funny to yell at lanky and pimpled 15-year-old boys because they'll never amount to anything.
A complaint is best delivered in the most abrupt of fashions. Do not politely ease into your complaint; rather, dive headstrong into the finger-pointing and name-calling. Leave the profanity in your back pocket for now, though, you'll want to save that for the big dogs.
Do not waver. You're new to being a douchebag, so you'll feel a bit sympathetic for the timid worker. Ignore this; sympathy is an obstacle to true happiness. Also, you might end up delievering your complaint to a resourceful employee who offers you solutions, attempts to appease you. Remember, though, you're a douchebag! You can't be calmed. So do not let yourself be satisfied with any courses of action the underling presents.
Throughout the process, you'll want to gather support from other customers and express either your initial complaint or your discontent with how the situation is being handled. You don't need the other customers to respond, you just need to make the employees think you're not the only one dissatisfied with the commercial establishment. Bonus points for getting fussy at a fellow customer who tries to suppress your rage.
Ask to speak to the manager. You'll need to decide for yourself the best way to do this. The longer your setence, the less intimidating you seem. Only the truly talented have been able to achieve this step by saying no words at all. A simple, but tired way is using just the one word, "Manager." This will scare the fuck out of that lanky 15-year-old, but if any seasoned douchebags are present, they'll judge you. The one-word method is acceptable only for beginners.
You're speaking to the manager! Repeat steps 3–5 and you'll probably get some free shit. And if you feel like you can press your luck, and this is like a Starbucks or something, ask the store manager to give you the district manager's business card. Calling that person probably won't even be worth it, but you can leave the store manager thinking he'll get an angry phone call from his boss at any minute.

Introduction: Why Be a Douche Bag?

2010-08-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

I'm frequently asked this question. Before deciding to write this comprehensive guide, I'd never really given much though to it. But now that I've decided to share my knowledge of the craft with you, the reader, I suppose I'll need to finally answer it, or nobody will really understand just how beneficial being a douche bag can be.

Have you ever encountered someone with absolutely no regard for others' ability to make a mistake? Someone who will never admit fault in any situation, whether that situation be life-threatening or inconsequential? That person who's causing all the ruckus—he probably doesn't have any friends right?Right, and he doesn't need any. He's figured out the best possible way to interact with other people: douchebaggery.

The douchebag needs no friends, just a complete disregard for all that is polite. And it works, too. The douchebag gets everything and anything he wants, just by scaring or bothering everyone standing in the way of his goal. And seriously, what in life is more desireable than absolutely everything you ever wanted? Riddle. Me. That.

So why be a douche bag? Well if you're looking to help others or make emotional connections with your time on Earth, douchebaggery isn't for you. But if you want a surefire way to gain material comfort and alienate anybody you don't find useful, read on and join the movement.

How to Use This Guide

So You Wanna Be a Douche Bag? will consist of two different types of chapters, scenario guides and terminology guides. The scenario guide chapters will present situations you might find yourself in and outline preferred methods of douching it up. Terminology chapters will help to further explain words and phrases used in the scenario chapters that are specific to douchebaggery. Both types of chapters are essential to your understanding of the craft.